ra-ra-ra

it bothers me how, whenever someone asks me if i'm an RA, i feel this need to try and explain to them why i chose not to be, like i should have a good excuse for why i would make such a selfish decision. and then they always feel like it's their job to console me, as if there's no way in the world i could possibly still feel like a good person. you know. since i'm not an RA. "it's definitely not for everyone," they say. like irresponsible people, and people who get in trouble a lot, and people who hate other people. but that's okay, you know. we need both kinds of people in the world. the bottom line is usually them attempting the silver lining of encouraging me to think about how much free time i have. you know. since i'm not an RA.

the weird thing about not being an RA and still living on campus is that i don't feel responsible to anyone. it's a strange independence, even more so than i would if i lived off campus, because then, i would probably have roommates and we would cook and share and coordinate things and be home sometimes and live a nice life. independent, but not in a good way. closer to unnecessary. i miss being good for something. needed. by people. by anyone. that's selfish. but there it is. cool.

i think i should go write my locke paper now. okay good.